Deserved

What about you, Boyd? What is it you deserve?

I think I have what I deserve. I think I always have.

When you come here, the contract says

You will breathe this air from this moment

to this

And that is all. No clauses, no promises, no contingencies.

You cannot earn happiness.

You cannot earn love,

recognition, success, comfort, creativity.

all these things come

or they do not

You cannot earn them.

Surely, you’ve earned something, Boyd?

I’d like to have a quiet death one day.

no day soon,

no regrets, no reservations, just quiet

finally quiet

no more thoughts.

no more doubts

just

finally quiet

I don’t want to leave a single mourner

not even my enemies

I want to know life will continue

even though I no longer draw breath

It makes me afraid when you say that, Boyd

Don’t be. I am beyond suicide.

Suicide won’t hurt you

It will hurt everyone else.

I don’t hate them that much.

You should be happy, though, Boyd.

I am happy.

I’m happier than I’ve been in a very long time

What though?

What do you deserve?

I suppose I deserve

nothing.

nothing at all.

That’s not bad.

At least I don’t owe.