Savior Complex

In the original versions of the story, the beast saves the beauty, but then he dies. French writers, being French, added a new ending where the beast dies, but she kisses him, and he comes back as a handsome prince.

Kisses aren't that powerful. I always thought the original ending was better. The beast does what he thinks is best, but nobody changes him, even if he dies. Not everybody has a handsome prince hidden in them.

Last night, one of my theater kids read one of my political posts and wrote back, “You have a savior complex, you know that?”

“Gee, ya think?”

When I was young, my only political interests were budget issues, safe banking, small business, and education. The first presidential candidate I ever really liked was George Bush. We seemed to agree on these topics. He invented the phrase “voodoo economics” to describe the front-runner.

Still a teenager, I learned that our headmaster felt the same way. That'd be great, but we hated each other. I didn't have any problems with his ideas about how to run the school; just the opposite, but I did have problems with how he implemented them. Rich kids could, and did, get away with anything. Poor kids got expelled. We'd fight. We did fight. I lost. It seems I had a savior complex even then.

I dropped out of politics for about thirty-five years. Things seemed to be going well enough when I did.

When I came back, it was so different. All the issues I thought were settled or nearing resolution were unsettled again, and many people I had considered innocent were now afraid for their lives. When people are afraid, it does something deep inside me.

Sometimes people say, “Boy, you sure picked the wrong time to become active again!”

That's probably true. Most people my age are moving to the suburbs or the mountains so they can shut the world out. For me to jump back into the fire with both sword and dagger drawn probably seems insane.

One of my oldest friends is a black lesbian. Saying the words, Mississippi, black, and lesbian should invoke many images. The one to focus on is “durability.”

“Oh, baby, I knew you'd do this.” She said. “One day, you're gonna die like this. Why can't you just leave folks to what's commin’ for them?”

“If I die, then I die. Im not a coward.”

It's not just politics. I can’t just let suffering be suffering.

The main reason I went away for so long is that I can't shut it out. If I'm in the world, all I feel every day is ten thousand breaking hearts. Saying “they're not your responsibility” doesn't change a thing.

You often see people arguing about the difference between sympathy and empathy. I never cared because there's something with no name above them both.

Whatever it was, my father had it too. After work, we'd smoke and have a drink in his office. Sometimes, he'd talk about the issues he'd get involved with—once he had the time. For him, time ran out.

One year, the Dominican nuns gave him a two-by-four. On it was written, “another board to sit on.” Nuns are funnier than people give them credit for.

It's true, Daddy was the king of boards. I could list them, but it'd seem like bragging. Daddy was pretty humble. He kept his CV and his biography up to date, but he hated it. Phyllis, his secretary, kept up with it. She was a whiz with words, and especially punctuation.

One year, she decided she was dying on the vine, so she took a job with John Stennis in Washington. We had a going-away party. She held my hand and left a big lipstick kiss on my cheek. She was so shy and proper. I was shocked. For sensitive people, I can be hard to be around. It's pretty clear to them that I'm bleeding all the time, and I never stop to fix it. She knew she couldn't help, but hoped I'd be ok.

After a few years, she returned to Jackson with a child and a broken heart. Romantic trips out of Mississippi to restart your life don't always take.

There was a theme to every board Daddy was on. Without the key, you might have missed it. They all had to work toward improving the lives of Mississippians in Mississippi. Once you know that, then you see the connection between Entergy, Trustmark, and the Piney Woods Country Life School.

My brother heard voices. I've tried. I really have. I wanted to experience it just once so I'd know what he was going through. Knowing the voices came from within him, I tried a lot of drugs that had that reputation, but came up empty-handed.

The drugs I like are bourbon and cigars. On a wild night, I'll introduce mezcal. The more complicated stuff never worked as advertised on me. I've written about these experiences before.

I don't hear voices. I hear hearts. Breaking ones are the loudest. They don't come from within me; they come from without. I've talked to a number of mental health practitioners about this. It’s very real, but it's not good for me. “Gee, thanks, Doc,”

Once, I tried to shut them out. It only worked a little, and only if I shut out absolutely everything. That seemed to hold up for a while. I was so tired. So very, very tired.

One day, I woke up and realized, “Oh, gee. I'm dying.” I called my sister to say I was going to the hospital. It turns out, I actually was dying. It took a lot of work and a lot of money to fight my way back from the edge. I’m not where I want to be, but I'm working on it.

“Savior Complex” is a phrase that explains some aspects of what I experience, but not all of it. You don't know how many times I thought I’d welcome “it's all in your head.” That'd be so much easier.

When all this transgender hate business started, I became friends with someone who was born female but was becoming male. Why or how they were doing this didn't matter to me. It still doesn't. This “there are only two genders” bullshit only makes sense when it's not happening to you or somebody you care about.

They are so brilliant, so talented, and even more kind. One of their professors said how bad they felt because there were people who gladly would hurt this remarkable creature without ever speaking to him first.

“They'd have to go through me,” I said. Are you surprised?

God made me as I am, just so I could say that.