The Wiener Dog Christians

You voted for Donald Trump because he promised in his advertisements to protect your daughters from trans athletes.  That’s your right.  They’re your daughters.  He did not promise to protect your daughters from Pete Hegseth or Matt Gaetz.  They get cabinet-level positions.  His cabinet, his choice.  Your daughter’s body, Hegseth’s choice, so long as he pays a whole bunch of hush money and doesn’t lose his job at Fox News. 

I’d honestly rather not write about this bullcrap every day.  I have so many other things I want to talk about.  There’s a little imaginary dog that tells me what to write about, though.  My words, his choice.

It’s funny; the team vetting Trump’s cabinet picks couldn’t find a single thing about Hegseth, but those pesky fake news reporters found it in three days.  It’s almost as if the Trump team members were intentionally trying to avoid doing their job.  There are people in the US. House of Representatives who will tell you they just can’t go there with Matt Gaetz, including a guy who’s retired now but used to be the speaker.  Being a Republican Speaker of the House don’t mean what it used to, I guess.

The way things are shaping up, getting trapped in a girl's bathroom with a trans athlete might be the safest place in Trump’s America for your daughter.  Y’all sure thought you had us with all this trans-hate and men dressing like women and swimming (for God’s sake!) Didn’t take long for the orange guy with the miracle ear to sneak in a couple of rapists, huh?  Oh wait, didn’t he go on trial for rape?  Yeah, the guy who had to pay a whole bunch of money for sexual assault is probably the best guy to protect your daughter from some warped and freakish trans athlete.

Girl’s bathrooms are sacrosanct unless, of course, it’s the dressing room for a beauty pageant that Donald Trump owns.  What kind of guy buys a beauty pageant?  The same guy who buys a fake college, I guess.  He told a reporter from Access Hollywood in 2005 that he’s a star, and because he’s a star, he gets to grab daughters by a place that’s not normally considered a handle.  He called it “locker room” talk.  I’ve been in a lot of locker rooms.  Anybody who talks like that in a locker room usually gets laughed out of it.  That kind of talk isn’t considered very manly by actual men.  He’ll protect your daughters, though.  I hope you know that.  It’s really important to have integrity when voting for a guy to protect your daughter, even though he used campaign finance money to pay off the porn star he had sex with while his wife was pregnant.  That’s how you maintain “family values,” you know.

They call what I have “Trump Derangement Syndrom” It means I’m not fucking nuts.  You can’t piss on my boots and tell me it’s raining.  That seems to be popular these days.

Technically, I’m a Christian.  I don’t claim to be a good one.  I skip church so I can watch it on TV in my underwear.  I swear.  I swear a lot.  I mean–a whole lot.  I do it sometimes in church.  I hold grudges.  I don’t know if you can say I commit adultery, but I don’t always wait till I marry somebody–that’s actually kind of rare.  I don’t give ten percent of my income.  I don’t love everyone equally.  Some days, I don’t feed the hungry or clothe the naked.  As far as Christians go, I’m way back in the back of the crowd.  If I get in heaven, it’s because they were taking a whole bunch of people that day.

I don’t understand how you can vote for a guy who raised money by putting his own name on a bible.  I mean, if you’re gonna buy a Donald Trump bobblehead and freakishly ugly shoes, then you certainly have a right to buy a Donald Trump “Signature edition” bible–but can you do it and be a christian?  A real christian, I mean, a wash-the-feet, let them take me instead kind of christian?

I don’t like to talk about the eschatological stuff in the bible.  That means the “end of the world” for Trump supporters.  I don’t like to talk about it because it’s really complicated.  I’m convinced it’s mostly metaphorical, and there are about a million places where I have to look up what Greek word they’re using to try and figure out what they’re saying.

In the eschatological parts of the Bible, there are places where they talk about people with a mark, usually on their heads. It never means anything good.  

A “mark” means a symbol.  Symbols are important.  There’s no great brass statue that we call Christianity that we can keep in a bullet-proof glass case, inside a vault, inside a museum.  All we have of Christianity are symbols.  Symbols represent ideas, and those ideas only exist as long as we make them exist.  Christianity exists because we exist.  It’s up to us to preserve it’s meaning.

People who can’t write can sign a check by making their mark.  It can be an X or an O or two squiggly lines, or whatever they want it to be.  Often somebody who can write has to witness it and sign their name, but that mark means that person.

Donald Trump printed a bible with his name in Typeface on the cover, and then his signature on a bookplate on the inside cover.  I’m not gonna accuse the guy of using an auto-signer to autograph all those bookplates, but come on, do you really think he sat there and signed thousands of those?  An auto-signer is a machine that mimics the way you sign your name.  It uses a real Sharpie marker, but it’s just a machine.  You might as well use a rubber stamp.

“Christian” is just a word.  It can mean anything.  It can mean a wiener-dog if you want it to.  I like wiener dogs; they’re friendly and intelligent, but they slobber on you, and they get way over-excited.  Calling yourself a Christian, calling this thing you printed to make money a bible, those things are up to you.  They’re just words, and I don’t have the right or authority to tell you how to use words.  I can tell you how I use words.  I sit with my friends and discuss and argue what words mean long into the night.  I seek out people who know more about what words mean than I do, but none of that gives me any authority.  

If you like wiener dogs, I like wiener dogs. They can be Christians if you want. There are no rules here.

YMCA is a song by a gay black man who has backup dancers dressed like construction workers, Indian chiefs, cops, and other things.  It talks about bathhouses in New York where gay men have sex with each other without learning each other’s names.  Stay there, and I’m sure you will find many ways to have a good time.

A man with weird hair, orange skin, and ears that miraculously grew back after getting blown-the-fuck off told you to sing and dance to this song to make America Great again.  He’s from New York.  The Village of “The Village People” is in New York.  His mentor and master is a gay man who died of aids–although he insists he was never gay.  He was a man who had sex with other men but wasn’t gay.  Like I said, words mean what you want them to mean.  He could have been a wiener dog gay man.  The odds that Donald Trump, who went to Studio 54 when the Village People performed, wouldn’t know what the song YMCA actually means are pretty small.  I'm not saying he’s had experience as a wiener dog, but you never know.  It’s his business, anyway.

The main thing is that this wiener dog will keep your daughters safe from trans swimmers who take hormones that make them sexually inert.  He might not protect them from Florida lawyers with weird hair who is under investigation by the US House of Representatives for human trafficking for sexual purposes while his own party controls it, and he won’t protect your daughters from part-time Fox News hosts that might rape them in a green room, as is in the police report, but hey, he’ll pay them a bunch of money to shut them up, so it’s ok.   

What matters is that trans wiener dogs protect your daughters on the swim team, and you get to have a bible that Donald Trump autographs because they couldn’t find an actual wiener dog christian to sign their name on it.

Maybe I do have Trump Derangement syndrome.  All this feels really fucking deranged right now.